The Celebrity Couple Otherwise Known As McFreed

The Battle to Be The Same

nobody@vox.com(Sean & Stefan) — Sat, 17 May 2008 13:35:33 -0700

Sean opines...

Mrs Meaney (yes her real name) was conducting a vocabulary lesson that afternoon when I suddenly realized I was different from the other kids. Carter and Joe both turned around as Mrs. Meaney's back was turned to us and mouthed that hateful word to me. It was all without sound but I heard the hate and the truth loud and clear. "Faggot" they said and I never forgot it. I was so traumatized by what was said my mind collapsed and I entered a deep depression that frightened my parents. I believe that was the moment in time they knew who I was, but let me be to discover it myself. Carter and Joe were punished and confronted with their hate in the end. In their direct apology to me, they both expressed true feelings of forgiveness; saying they just couldn't comprehend how what they saw as harmless teasing affected me so deeply. Whatever their apology, the damage was done on my self-esteem. I felt worthless and alone at that moment and for a few weeks after. I supressed my feelings silently soon enough, turned on my Pollyanna grin, and moved on in life. However, fear and doubt organized in my subconscience and fueled my denial. Who wanted to be "different?" I soldiered on like a man should.

As high school and college came and went, a few moments stood out for me. Being the nerd I am I joined the "It's Academic" team and pursued my love of all things trivia. I met 3 friends, 2 juniors and a sophomore, who lived around the corner from and who I shared common interests and chemistry. For two years we were great friends and then we were not. I never understood why we stopped being friends. Maybe it was my age and the fact that they all went off to college way before me. Little did I know that was my first flirtation with love. Sure I had had crushes on girls in middle school, and pre-school had me screaming "I love Leslie" on many an audio tape in honor of a fellow 3 year-old classmate. But I found out later in life that someone truly had fallen in love with me and I never realized it until he told me years later. We tried to be friends later in life but we both were in troubled relationships and distance and fear of temptation caused us to drift apart. I think of him often and miss the friendship that we should have continued.

College found me so tightly wound I didn't know what to do. I found myself repulsed when I found out that one of the seniors I had come to know was gay. I limited my time with him and soon he graduated and life returned without curiousity. Unbeknownst to me, my sophomore college roommate Tim defended me to others when they asserted that I was gay and that he shouldn't move in with me. He covered for me while I just ignored who I was. I went on dating red heads and blondes now and again, all the while skimming the boundary of bisexual thoughts which we all know lead to gay town. But still I fought on and senior year had a short fling with another red head who strangely enough would supply a quote after she passed through my life that I would celebrate fondly. I regret those years sometimes. I was afraid. Think of all the life I could have lived without the stress of being found out. Building a confidence that I too could love and be loved without worrying about another group of boys turning around and calling me "faggot." I should have had those years back to better mold who I am rather than continuing another fight that lasted 3 more years.

After college I moved around and got into political organizing and student teaching. I heard the whispers about me but I "knew" I was straight. In 1995, I sat down at a dinner party with several friends and had the same experience that the "faggot" incident had hit me with years previously. A guest at the party, who was out and proud, looked me in the eye after I made a joke about a flirtation he made with another at the table and said "When are you going to stop running?" I shuddered and flashbacked, but this time I didn't fear. I took a journey in my mind and realized the real me was there. My college friends were the first to learn. "Amy was right," they said. The red headed freshman girl I had dated and "become a man" with had been quoted in an article about her becoming the 1st straight officer of a gay student organization: "All my boyfriends have ended up being gay." And she was right. I guess she was my Grace Adler but more forgettable.

Was I free though in my mind? I wasn't really. I kept my true self private and fled to Montana to learn about me without the distraction of parents and friends; preconceptions and truth was my fear. Montana was a time of total freedom that also had me looking forward to finding a special man in my life. I found someone through a mutual friend, returned back to my hometown, and tried to make a life together. That white knight story did not work out but I made a friend for life. My second try at love was more about trying to "complete me" and not "be me." I accept my blame for how things ended and try and make peace every day with myself and God about it. Love was a good goal but not at the expense of myself again. And then I searched my soul and my mind and my inner dark areas for the true me. After some cage shaking by friends and even chance strangers I realized who I was and now I am at peace. I even felt like I spoke to God to obtain forgiveness in my own heart for the self-loathing I victimized my self with. I had found the true me complete and forgiven! And that discovery, of course, all led me to the beauty that is Stefan...

Why do I write about all this? Why do I expose myself today? Because yesterday an institution in our great country said I was the "same" and my story must be told to show that Stefan and I are humans who deserve to love without political condition. Hiding is no longer an option; to reveal is the only answer. I have always felt different. I have always felt incomplete. I have always felt disappointed that things I thought I deserved in life were just out of reach because of who I am even though I kept my Pollyanna demeanor and soldiered on as the man I claim to be. Now, I feel I can be me and have hope that my strong heart and soul that Stefan celebrates every day as my partner may have a happy ending soon. My parents may never worry that I won't be left out of the great institution that is marriage. They know I will be safe and cared for after they leave this earth many years from now, potentially legally soon.

California confirmed to me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters that we are the "same". We will have to fight even harder to keep our affirmation given us by the California Supreme Court in a fight against a state constitutional amendment aimed at returning things back to the way they were. Regardless, the California Supreme Court's decision at this moment in declaring an end to true difference between gay and straight at least in one state is enormous! It makes me excited and proud to be me and have strengthened hope in the family Stefan and I are making. I can marry Stefan (which is planned for Fall 2009 at this point) just the same as anyone else now... even if opportunity is just open to us in one state at the moment. I have always loved the word "unique" but to be the "same" in this one instance is beyond words. Who knows we might just pre-empt Fall 2009 with a quick flight to the west coast soon!

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California Supreme Court Gay Marriage Decision Announcement Tomorrow May 15, 2008

nobody@vox.com(Sean & Stefan) — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:38:28 -0700

The McFreeds excitedly but nervously report...

SUPREME COURT OF CALIFORNIA

NOTICE OF

FORTHCOMING FILING

The Supreme Court has indicated that the filing of a written opinion in the following case(s) is forthcoming. At the filing time designated below, the filed opinion(s) will be accessible at the judicial branch web site (www.courtinfo.ca.gov) and copies will be made available at the Supreme Court Clerk’s Office.

[Generally, the description set out with regard to each case is reproduced from the original news release issued when review in the matter was granted, and is provided for the convenience of the public and the press. The description does not necessarily reflect the view of the court, or define the specific issues that will be addressed by the court.]

IN RE MARRIAGE CASES

S147999 (A110449, A110450, A110451, A110463, A110651, A110652

San Francisco County JCCP – 4365)

Argued in San Francisco 3-04-08

This case includes the following issue: Does California’s statutory ban on marriage between two persons of the same sex violate the California Constitution by denying equal protection of the laws on the basis of sexual orientation or sex, by infringing on the fundamental right to marry, or by denying the right to privacy and freedom of expression?

Opinion(s) in the above case(s) will be filed on:

Thursday, May 15, 2008 at 10:00 a.m.

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Baltimore Sun "Gay Rights At Standstill" Article Responses

nobody@vox.com(Sean & Stefan) — Sun, 11 May 2008 10:02:08 -0700

Sean reports...

Well the letter to the editor I submitted was not selected for publication unfortunately but here are the three that were published in the Friday May 9, 2008 issue of the Baltimore Sun in response to their "Gay Rights At Standstill" article. It is obvious that they chose to take two articles from activists rather than regular folk, and the one regular folk got a small bullet basically. Sometimes the activists miss the larger picture, however, I tend to agree with the third article by Shannon Avery more than anything. I beleive that the political groups seem to be more interested in keeping true to a broad vision and forgetting that it is truly about building a wall with bricks, each as important as the other in laying a solid foundation for our ultimate goals. I think Stefan and I will have to become more involved in the coming months and year!

Response #1: Dan Furmansky - Executive Director, Equality Maryland

Maryland Senate Minority Leader David R. Brinkley's insensitive and incendiary comments in The Sun's article "Gay rights at standstill" (May 4) reek of a fundamental disdain for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and families headed by same-sex couples.

I agree that most members of the general public don't rank the issue of same-sex unions as one of great importance to them because they are trying to "maintain their households," as Mr. Brinkley suggests.

Unfortunately, Mr. Brinkley seems to be blind to the household concerns of same-sex couples, even in his own district, because to him we are merely "shrieking from rooftops" without any merit to our arguments.

But we have real problems too. In fact, same-sex couples in Maryland have, on average, lower incomes, lower rates of homeownership and lower likelihood of health insurance coverage than our married counterparts.

Of course, as a state employee, Mr. Brinkley is lucky that he may carry a spouse on his health insurance. But that's not the case for state employees with partners of the same sex.

It is unlikely that Mr. Brinkley has ever worried about being shut out of the medical decision-making process for his wife or been told he couldn't accompany her in an ambulance en route to the hospital.

When Mr. Brinkley or his wife passes away, the surviving spouse will inherit tax-free the house they shared together during their marriage, unlike surviving partners in same-sex couples, who are taxed as though they are inheriting 50 percent of the home from a stranger.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are as diverse as the general population: Indeed, some of us are as insensitive to the struggles of other groups as Mr. Brinkley is to ours.

But Mr. Brinkley and those who think as he does hold the power in this situation.

Until they see lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals as actual human beings and not as "shrieking" people with no real problems, our families' pleas will be falling on deaf ears.

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Response #2: Hugh Silcox, Baltimore

Senate Minority Leader David R. Brinkley sees his gay and lesbian constituents as "shrieking from rooftops that they need these rights."

At least we have his attention.

Next year, maybe he'll even listen.

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Response #3: Shannon Avery, former chairwoman of Baltimore's Community Relations Commission and a former member of Gov. Martin O'Malley's transition team

As a gay rights activist, I too am disappointed in the stalled legislative efforts to achieve equality in Maryland. However, my disappointment does not flow to Gov. Martin O'Malley but rests at the front door of Equality Maryland, which is - unfortunately for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Marylanders - the only statewide gay rights advocacy organization in Maryland.

Equality Maryland's all-or-nothing approach to the marriage issue was ill-conceived and politically imprudent. A simple head count of the legislators would have steered even a rookie lobbyist toward a strategy of backing civil unions.

The reason that many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Marylanders worked to elect Mr. O'Malley was clear two years ago and remains so today. The governor, who as a member of the Baltimore City Council sponsored the first domestic partnership law in Maryland, has demonstrated his support for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality time and time again.

After the devastating loss of the gay marriage case in the Court of Appeals in November, the governor stepped up to the plate and offered to sponsor a civil union package.

But Equality Maryland said no. It was marriage or nothing.

Now it is Equality Maryland that must take responsibility for this year's losses, and not blame the governor or any other elected official or activist who may have had a different opinion about what was possible in Maryland's legislature in 2008.

I know why I worked hard to elect Mr. O'Malley.

He cares about ending discrimination, and he is pragmatic enough to get it done.

I only wish that Maryland's leading gay rights advocacy organization could do the same thing.

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Response to Dateline Maryland: Gays Rights At Standstill

nobody@vox.com(Sean & Stefan) — Wed, 07 May 2008 10:03:01 -0700

Sean says...

This was what I submitted as an editorial response to The Baltimore Sun Article "Gay Rights At Standstill" today.

Maryland Senate Minority Leader David R Brinkley (R) was quoted as saying the following in The Baltimore Sun's May 4, 2008 Sunday Edition article "Gay Rights At Standstill":

"You have this group that's shrieking from rooftops that they need these rights, and everyone else is just trying to maintain their households… It just doesn't resonate."

Two years ago my partner Stefan and I met on of all things Match.com and fell in love like many couples have. We live together and both contribute to a mortgage. We both have stable jobs with benefits. This fall we looked over my new benefits package and made a few selections. We met with a financial planner together in September to prepare for immediate financial and retirement goals.

We're paying down credit card debt in preparation of buying a new home. We took out a home equity loan to fix up the house and replace our broken heating/cooling unit. We bought a new washer, dryer, and dishwasher just the other month. My partner bought a new car because his 14-year-old one needed replacing. We both were shocked just the other day by what we were paying for gas electricity lately. We make a grocery list together every other week.

We're excitedly looking into adopting a child in the next two years and went to a seminar about it this past weekend. We will soon be worrying about daycare and school, I am sure, once we legally adopt a child according to Maryland law. We're emotionally and financially preparing to support our own parents as they get older.

But Senator Brinkley of course doesn't think we will want to think, plan, or do any of this. Senator Brinkley says we aren't a household or even people who care about maintaining one. We're apparently not even interested in buying things or saving money. We apparently don't clip coupons, drive, commute, vacation, turn on the light when we get home at night, or own property in his mind either I guess.

How could we both be so delusional? Why didn't anyone tell us we weren't normal before? I guess it didn't quite resonate.

Thanks Senator Brinkley for keeping us informed and representing our interests in the General Assembly. We won't shriek so loudly next time.

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Dateline Maryland: Gay Rights At StandStill

nobody@vox.com(Sean & Stefan) — Wed, 07 May 2008 09:55:51 -0700

www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/politics/bal-md.gayrights04may04,0,5065065.story

baltimoresun.com

Gay rights at standstill

Governor's inaction during Assembly disappoints activists

By Laura Smitherman

Sun reporter

May 4, 2008

Gay and lesbian activists thought they had a friend in Martin O'Malley.

As a progressive mayor in Baltimore, O'Malley attended gay pride parades and signed into law a measure to protect transgender people from discrimination. When he ran for governor, he said he supported civil unions and wanted to extend benefits to same-sex partners of state employees, as he had done for city workers.

But two years into O'Malley's first term in Annapolis, neither has happened. He largely stayed out of the debate over legal recognition for same-sex unions that fizzled in the General Assembly, and aides say his financially strapped administration probably won't grant benefits for at least another year.

The lack of momentum for gay rights in the State House is the latest disappointment for activists after a lawsuit to force the legalization of same-sex marriage failed in state courts. While O'Malley's allies say he has done as much as he can in the face of significant hurdles, activists say they feel sidelined.

"There's just not a lot to be enthusiastic about, because the governor hasn't done much to help us move forward," said Dan Furmansky, director of Equality Maryland, a leading gay rights group. "Why did the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community work so hard to elect this person? What do we have to show for it at this point?"

The fits and starts of gay rights in Maryland reflect what has happened nationally. Four years after Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex marriage, no other state has followed suit, and only a handful offer civil unions, an institution that dissatisfies many activists who consider it separate but unequal.

O'Malley plans to sign two bills this month that would grant same-sex couples some rights of married couples, including the ability to visit each other in the hospital and an exemption from certain property taxes.

Spokesman Rick Abbruzzese said the governor would revisit proposals concerning other benefits and protections, and that he is willing to work with the legislature on civil unions.

"We didn't accomplish everything that we wanted to do," Abbruzzese said. "And there's a conversation that needs to continue on civil unions, but the reality is, a marriage bill will not pass through the Maryland General Assembly."

O'Malley has reached out to the gay community during his political career, drawing volunteers and campaign dollars.

As mayor, O'Malley implemented a law that bars discrimination in employment, housing and public accommodation based on gender identity, and he formed a gay and lesbian task force to be a liaison with City Hall.

O'Malley might have been stymied in forwarding gay rights as governor by budget battles that forced him to expend political capital to get tax increases and spending cuts approved.

Former Gov. Parris N. Glendening, a Democrat whose gay brother died of AIDS after an Air Force career during which he remained closeted, said that budget problems also consumed his early years before he could focus on progressive measures, such as a statewide prohibition on discrimination based on sexual orientation.

"What you're seeing now is a political reality," Glendening said.

But Senate Minority Leader David R. Brinkley, a Republican representing Carroll and Frederick counties, said inaction on gay rights measures in Maryland reflects the public's greater interest in other issues such as the flagging economy and education. He opposes same-sex unions as institutions that undermine traditional marriage.

"You have this group that's shrieking from rooftops that they need these rights, and everyone else is just trying to maintain their households," Brinkley said. "It just doesn't resonate. I don't see fire hoses and dogs being turned on gay activists. That, to me, is not a civil rights problem."

The push for health and other benefits for domestic partners of government workers has been under way in Maryland for more than 15 years. Baltimore adopted the policy in 1993 under Mayor Kurt L. Schmoke. Some officials at the University of Maryland, College Park resolved to do the same for faculty and staff members the next year - a fight that continues.

Robyn S. Zeiger, a professor at the university, said she and her partner of 25 years have paid escalating amounts for her to be privately insured. "I'm really tired of hearing it's about the budget because civil rights transcend money, and I hope O'Malley does the right thing," Zeiger said.

Providing the benefits to all state employees would cost about $3 million a year, according to legislative analysts.

Abbruzzese said action by the governor to grant the benefits would have been unnecessary had legislation recognizing same-sex unions passed during the session. He said it is too late now for money to be set aside for the benefits in the next fiscal year.

The fate of statewide transgender protections is unclear. The governor's Commission on Human Relations had planned to file the bill, but Del. Peter A. Hammen, a Baltimore Democrat and committee chairman, declined to consider it unless the governor lobbied to rally support in the Senate, where it failed in committee last year. In the end, the administration did not introduce it.

It is also unclear whether activists can build enough support for legislation recognizing civil unions or same-sex marriage. Many say the biggest obstacle would be the Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee, where some had hoped that Sen. C. Anthony Muse, a Prince George's County Democrat and evangelical Christian bishop, would provide the key vote for such legislation this year. He did not.

"I would like to see civil unions, and we've got one vote in the Senate to change, and that's it," said Del. Maggie L. McIntosh, a Baltimore Democrat who is openly gay. "But it's going to be hard to push for civil marriage in the next two years. You can't just get people to roll easily on these votes."

laura.smitherman@baltsun.com

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QotD: Martin Luther King Jr. Day

nobody@vox.com(Sean & Stefan) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:40:29 -0800

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. What's your strongest memory or impression of King's contributions?

Sean and Stefan say...

Rather than talk about MLK Jr.'s many specific accomplishments, we want to talk about what MLK Jr. stood for in terms of eliminating prejudice. With that, here is a story that Stefan's own mother relayed to us. It proves that when exposed, prejudice can be killed by a sharp wit and a quick mind.

In the early 1970s, Carolyn was attending a bowling league event, when one of the women from another team approached her and said, "Carolyn, you never told me you were Jewish! I thought all Jews had horns." Carolyn looked at her, waited a beat, smiled, and quietly said, "Oh, I had those removed years ago. That's why I wear my hair long now to cover the scars." Through humor and sarcasm, Carolyn exposed this neighbor's prejudice and killed it in the light of day. The woman blushed and never commented about it again.

This comment reminds us of our own situation. Many a time people have asked one of us about something and we have turned it back with a quick comment that only embarrasses the questioner with their own silliness. One thing that is always asked is "Is he gay?" which is usually met with "I didn't see his name mentioned in the last newsletter, but I'll keep checking for you." In the end, those people either became better friends or at least respected us more because they realize that when you get down to it, we are all just individuals who live life in a multitude of ways.

MLK Jr. stood not only for the fight against racism against African-Americans, but dedicated his life to eradicating all prejudice - gender, anti-Semitism, homophobia, xenophobia, and against all races (including white/caucasian). Because, regardless of background, we are all guilty of prejudice, and we must fight it together to live in peace in the nation and on this Earth. That is what we celebrate today.

Carolyn as she looked in the early 1970s. This shot was taken on a canal ride in Amsterdam. Note the Marlo Thomas "That Girl" flip 'do - it certainly hid her "scars" well!

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